Dear Mr K,

I thought I would join others in wishing you a happy birthday.  I’m known for being late so I made sure I kept my reputation alive before wishing you thus. I understand it’s the big 8-0, plus 3.  That’s a lot of years.

I also understand you have now been married 59 years.  That’s a lot of dirty underwear.  If you changed your underwear every day for those 59 years and your wife did the laundry every week, it comes to 21,535 dirty underwears. That’s a lot of love. I bet you could make this anniversary one she will never forget by thanking her for washing your underwear.

I’m the friend with Parkinson’s.  I understand you got sick of Parkinson’s and moved on to something more interesting.  How’s it going?  Do you recommend it for others?

I haven’t decided what to die from yet.  The Parkinson’s is hardly even “progressing”.  The cancer they were monitoring for two years went away for now.  The heart still runs a little irregular but they say that’s o.k.  What they did the heart surgery for worked.  I haven’t had my appendix operated on for over 10 years – they’ve opened up the same incision 4 times for various infections.  My knees are missing cartilage but the surgery following a mis-located knee cap seems to have helped.

So, while I have a lot of possibilities, I haven’t decided which to die from.  There are currently no front runners.  They’re all holding back.  Do you have any favorites?

Dying, regardless of how, is kinda scary. I’ve never done it before. Have you? Most people only do it once. If you only get one chance to die it seems its important to get it right the first time.

How to get it right? Need to know what death is. What happens. Does one just stop breathing, get put in a box, buried and that’s it? End of story? Or is death as God says where one enters a new world?

If God is right – there has yet to be a documented case where God was wrong – then there is life after death.

God says after death comes, first, judgement. You see, God is holy. He’s without sin. He separates himself from all that is sin. It’s kinda like dirty underwear. There’s no dirty underwear in heaven. If you show up with dirty underwear, God sends you away to live for eternity where there are no wash machines. It’s described as hell.

From what C says about you, it sounds like you’re as perfect as one can be. But it only takes one accident to mess up the underwear. It only takes one sin and God rejects you. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

God is cool. He cares even for those who have never thanked their wife for doing their underwear. What did he do? He came to earth to live a perfect life and to die for our sins. He makes our sins as white as snow.  Christ did the wash.

When we stand before God, he sees everything, including our underwear. He knows if Christ washed it or not. If washed, he says, “Come, enter eternity with me.”

I have come to know C and her family over these past years. You raised her well. And her kids are even better. As far as I can tell, the whole family has had Christ wash their underwear and if something should happen, God would say “Come In”.

While I’m sure you would like it if you saw your grand kids more often, if your underwear’s clean, you can see them for eternity. C will be there and the amazing thing is that all those irritating things she does won’t irritate.

I hope to be there. We can talk about how you made your switch from Parkinson’s to new and better diseases.

How to get the clean underwear? Ask Christ to wash it. You will be clean.

With washed underwear,

T

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